7 Day Silent Retreat

A few days before this seven day silent meditation retreat I was emailed the following instructions.

Highlights from the email above include that internet, phone usage, talking, reading, music, eye contact and writing are *not* allowed. I followed these rules for the most part but I did cheat a bit by allowing myself to write a few sentences per day. The expanded version of those daily notes follow. I’m sharing these raw notes with the goal of conveying what it’s like emotionally to attend a silent mediation retreat.

DAY 1

I am psyched for this experience to begin. The retreat leaders asked us two questions tonight. 

Question: Why are you here? 

Answer: I am here because I think the experience will provide me with perspective. It seems difficult and uncomfortable to be in silence for 7 days so it’s an opportunity for growth.

Question: What is your intention?

 Answer: My intention is to learn about myself. I don’t fully understand what drives my emotions, sometimes I act based on a negative emotion, from a place of fear, which I don’t think is necessary.

DAY 2

Time passes so slowly here. No one will make eye contact with me or acknowledge my existence which is very interesting. I have been focusing on the instruction we received in the morning which was to be aware of and actively name our emotions. Whether boredom, fear, excitement, guilt— we were told to label the emotion, for example, saying “I feel anger” and then without any judgment towards yourself, experience the emotion fully until it passes. The practice of naming my emotions is distancing myself from the feeling. It’s reminding me that I am not the emotion, rather just temporarily feeling the emotion. It feels better to tune into the emotion, and welcome it, rather than act on it in attempts to get over it.

DAY 3

I am mesmerized by the retreat leaders. They have such grace and wisdom. I am starting to realize that everything I have categorized into right and wrong is a direct result of my upbringing and experiences. 

“Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.” — Ab Lincoln

I have been thinking a lot about my assumptions about the world, my decisions in life and judgements towards others. It is becoming crystal clear that nothing is purely good or bad, right or wrong, success or failure. Duality is a construct we have developed to help us make decisions and feed our ego. I came into this retreat believing that living an “average” life was a terrible way to spend a life. I now don’t feel that way at all. I simply feel that my experiences and mind have developed a fear around living a life I view as average. I realize it’s probably due to how I was raised and other experiences which I cannot pinpoint at this moment. I recognize that if I had a different upbringing, my fears would be totally different and therefore I can’t judge anyone for not having the same beliefs or fears as myself. 

With my past understanding of what makes up a good person shattered, I would like to redefine life guidelines. I think if I followed the 3 guidelines below, a lot of issues in life would be resolved. 

1.REMEMBER EVERYONE IS MOSTLY SCARED & TRYING TO SURVIVE

2.VIEW YOURSELF / TREAT YOURSELF AS A THIRD PERSON

3.DO NOT CRITICIZE OR HURT OTHERS

DAY 4

9pm — Just finished our first Metta mediation (also called loving-kindness meditation, which is a method of developing compassion). I am thinking a lot about how my heart has changed over the years.

When I was younger I spent my free time volunteering. After school I was an assistant to children with autism and on Sunday mornings I cooked at the local homeless shelter. I remember feeling an incredible amount of sadness the first time I ever saw a homeless person as a young child. I recall thinking what a terrible way way for a human to spend their life. This sadness drove my interest to help the less fortunate and shaped how I spent my free time growing up. As I grew older though, my drive to help the less privileged diminished. Unlike as a child, my activities today, at age 24, revolve around learning, advancing my career and pleasing myself. I wonder what changed. I think I got overwhelmed by the problems I saw as a child and learned to rationalize them. My inner monologue went from “what an inhumane way to live” to “they are probably a drug addict”. I honestly think I adopted a mindset around survival of the fittest probably to numb myself to the severity of the problems.

DAY 5

Woke up feeling wonderful. One of the retreat leaders, Spring, introduced the visualization of speaking to ourselves from our death bed today. It’s incredibly powerful to imagine my elderly self looking down and speaking to my current self. I would advise my present young self to love unconditionally & treat myself with compassion. I would advise myself to stop worrying about corporate success, physical appearance and wealth. I would encourage myself to accept that feeling love and empathy is beautiful, and shows strength not weakness.

DAY 6

I feel peace here. There is great truth in what is practiced. The night sky never looked so bright, the human voice never sounded so harmonious. I have never felt such joy from our innate nature. I feel grounded, connected and loved. As Spring says, “Let all beings be happy and free, safe and protected, healthy and strong and live with ease and peace”.

As I sit I realize the gift of time. Time is our most valuable resource because we will never get more time in this exact form, on this earth. Sitting with that I wonder, what would I like to do with my time here on earth?

I feel blessed to have so much time left in my life. I feel young and capable. 

I wonder what progress would look like if our culture prioritized awareness, reflection and mindfulness as values.

DAY 7

As I watch the patterns of my mind, one thing that clearly stands out is where my mind wanders. Consistently I wander to the future and feel the emotions of excitement and gratitude. My natural tendency is to look positively forward. I’m pleased that I look forward rather than to the past. I would imagine defaulting to analyzing the past would bring me anxiety and other negative emotions. 

Returning to the question I was asked on day 1, I have a new answer. 

Question: What is your intention?

Answer: My intention is to learn and reflect throughout my time.